Don't mess with my music, or my guns.

I’m exhausted.

My hunt’s gone well, but it was quite a chase. Turned out to be a Wendigo. Those things are much harder to hunt than I thought. But bruises and cuts can heal over time.

Also… although they’ve dimmed out a lot, I still have my stomach pains and I find it really strange. 

I’ve got a massive headache.

And I’m just generally stressed and in a bad mood today. Maybe that’s what I get for being cramped in my car for a couple of days. I just… don’t feel like going back to Bobby’s place right now and I think I might’ve dug up another hunt not too far from here. That’s probably what I’m gonna spend the rest of the weekend doing. 

collegeboy83:

i-love-my-guns:

collegeboy83:

i-love-my-guns:

collegeboy83:

i-love-my-guns:

 collegeboy83 replied to your post:  collegeboy83 replied to…

I have been, that’s why I’ve been outside. I think and deal the best when I’m alone. *nods* So take turns. Don’t do all the hard things at a time, even them out with easy ones.

I guess it helps. It’s not the best cure for me though. Don’t get me wrong, I love being alone, but sometimes… I’m not sure. You have your brother and other people, who I’m not entirely acquainted with, but they help you through things. I only have a few people now. And it’s hard like that. And a lot of people make me feel… odd and incomplete. (I’m not sure how to explain that.)

That’s what I’m trying to do. But I’m a terrible excuse for an ‘organized person’. Even when I hunt… maybe you wouldn’t want to know. But a lot of things about me are a mess. I just try my best to cover it up. It hurts more and more every time I try to do it though… covering up myself.

I wish I could say that you know you aren’t alone, but I can’t. I mean, yeah, I have them all. It helps. I can’t talk to them though. Even this? I can’t talk to Dean like this. It would… *frowns* …But whether you know us well or not, you have friends here. I know Cali considers you a friend. I do.

So stop covering yourself. I know I don’t know you or how you hunt, what you deal with. But if it makes it worse? Just stop.

Right now, I have about three (or more) people I can rely on and I am thankful for that (don’t get me wrong), I just can’t always… talk to them about what’s going on. And I don’t want to ask for their help. I’ve learned to view that as selfish and being vulnerable, once again. 

But… it’s what I’ve learned from growing up. Yet… the more I grow and hunt, the harder it gets to cover up all my bruises that are deep inside me. I can’t just stop. That would be like breaking down and just giving up. And I know deep down, that wouldn’t be right. I would end up getting killed and feeling like a failure. 

So don’t talk to them about it. It’s harder to talk to people that you’re closer to, that’s why I can’t talk to Dean about everything. He’s the closest person to me. Maybe that’s why it’s easy for you to talk to me, at least right now from how it seems. It’s not selfish to ask for help though. We live in a scary fucking world. We need it sometimes.

Don’t change how you were raised, but find a way around it. So maybe you were told to cover up all your bruises. You don’t have to do it, though. You can stay strong and independent and still not have to hide.

I actually thought that was what friends and family were for. I thought they were supposed to be there for you to share your deepest secrets with and to help you with everything that hurt. I guess you’ve got a point with that. There are things that just… don’t seem like people would want to help me with though. That’s where I feel alone.

I’ll try. Maybe I am already trying right about now. It is easier said than done though. 

OOC: I need to go to sleep before I start blabbering nonsense. (Even though I already started a long time ago.) 

They are, but sometimes talking to them can be worse because you’re afraid to upset to. To disappoint them. It’s nice to have them around, but talking to people that know the situation and that’s it? It’s easier to talk to them because part of you doesn’t give a crap what they think of you when the talk is over. Whether you think they would want to help you or not, you gotta give them the chance.

It is easier said than done, but as long as you try, that’s what matters.

((Heh, that’s fine hun! <3 Go sleep))

Yeah… that’s part of my troubles. I’m not too afraid of upsetting them, but disappointing them and making them feel bad somehow. I sort of get how talking to a stranger and talking to a family member would be different. One would be helpful and pass on right after and the other would care more and cling more towards the situation. I do hope that’s what you meant. 

Yes. Trying is the only thing that will get the result. If you don’t even try, then it’s not worth it. I forget who said that to me, but I still remember it.

Anyways… I think I’ll go sleep in my car, as much as I don’t want to, I have to. It was nice talking to you, Sam. I don’t do this too, too often. But it was nice to let go completely for once. I’m not promising to do this every night. But… I might open up a bit more now and then, if you really don’t mind. There’s a lot of things on my mind lately. So… goodnight! 

(OOC: Ok. Goodnight! <3)

collegeboy83:

i-love-my-guns:

collegeboy83:

i-love-my-guns:

 collegeboy83 replied to your post:  collegeboy83 replied to…

I have been, that’s why I’ve been outside. I think and deal the best when I’m alone. *nods* So take turns. Don’t do all the hard things at a time, even them out with easy ones.

I guess it helps. It’s not the best cure for me though. Don’t get me wrong, I love being alone, but sometimes… I’m not sure. You have your brother and other people, who I’m not entirely acquainted with, but they help you through things. I only have a few people now. And it’s hard like that. And a lot of people make me feel… odd and incomplete. (I’m not sure how to explain that.)

That’s what I’m trying to do. But I’m a terrible excuse for an ‘organized person’. Even when I hunt… maybe you wouldn’t want to know. But a lot of things about me are a mess. I just try my best to cover it up. It hurts more and more every time I try to do it though… covering up myself.

I wish I could say that you know you aren’t alone, but I can’t. I mean, yeah, I have them all. It helps. I can’t talk to them though. Even this? I can’t talk to Dean like this. It would… *frowns* …But whether you know us well or not, you have friends here. I know Cali considers you a friend. I do.

So stop covering yourself. I know I don’t know you or how you hunt, what you deal with. But if it makes it worse? Just stop.

Right now, I have about three (or more) people I can rely on and I am thankful for that (don’t get me wrong), I just can’t always… talk to them about what’s going on. And I don’t want to ask for their help. I’ve learned to view that as selfish and being vulnerable, once again. 

But… it’s what I’ve learned from growing up. Yet… the more I grow and hunt, the harder it gets to cover up all my bruises that are deep inside me. I can’t just stop. That would be like breaking down and just giving up. And I know deep down, that wouldn’t be right. I would end up getting killed and feeling like a failure. 

So don’t talk to them about it. It’s harder to talk to people that you’re closer to, that’s why I can’t talk to Dean about everything. He’s the closest person to me. Maybe that’s why it’s easy for you to talk to me, at least right now from how it seems. It’s not selfish to ask for help though. We live in a scary fucking world. We need it sometimes.

Don’t change how you were raised, but find a way around it. So maybe you were told to cover up all your bruises. You don’t have to do it, though. You can stay strong and independent and still not have to hide.

I actually thought that was what friends and family were for. I thought they were supposed to be there for you to share your deepest secrets with and to help you with everything that hurt. I guess you’ve got a point with that. There are things that just… don’t seem like people would want to help me with though. That’s where I feel alone.

I’ll try. Maybe I am already trying right about now. It is easier said than done though. 

OOC: I need to go to sleep before I start blabbering nonsense. (Even though I already started a long time ago.) 

collegeboy83:

i-love-my-guns:

 collegeboy83 replied to your post:  collegeboy83 replied to…

I have been, that’s why I’ve been outside. I think and deal the best when I’m alone. *nods* So take turns. Don’t do all the hard things at a time, even them out with easy ones.

I guess it helps. It’s not the best cure for me though. Don’t get me wrong, I love being alone, but sometimes… I’m not sure. You have your brother and other people, who I’m not entirely acquainted with, but they help you through things. I only have a few people now. And it’s hard like that. And a lot of people make me feel… odd and incomplete. (I’m not sure how to explain that.)

That’s what I’m trying to do. But I’m a terrible excuse for an ‘organized person’. Even when I hunt… maybe you wouldn’t want to know. But a lot of things about me are a mess. I just try my best to cover it up. It hurts more and more every time I try to do it though… covering up myself.

I wish I could say that you know you aren’t alone, but I can’t. I mean, yeah, I have them all. It helps. I can’t talk to them though. Even this? I can’t talk to Dean like this. It would… *frowns* …But whether you know us well or not, you have friends here. I know Cali considers you a friend. I do.

So stop covering yourself. I know I don’t know you or how you hunt, what you deal with. But if it makes it worse? Just stop.

Right now, I have about three (or more) people I can rely on and I am thankful for that (don’t get me wrong), I just can’t always… talk to them about what’s going on. And I don’t want to ask for their help. I’ve learned to view that as selfish and being vulnerable, once again. 

But… it’s what I’ve learned from growing up. Yet… the more I grow and hunt, the harder it gets to cover up all my bruises that are deep inside me. I can’t just stop. That would be like breaking down and just giving up. And I know deep down, that wouldn’t be right. I would end up getting killed and feeling like a failure. 

 collegeboy83 replied to your post:  collegeboy83 replied to…

I have been, that’s why I’ve been outside. I think and deal the best when I’m alone. *nods* So take turns. Don’t do all the hard things at a time, even them out with easy ones.

I guess it helps. It’s not the best cure for me though. Don’t get me wrong, I love being alone, but sometimes… I’m not sure. You have your brother and other people, who I’m not entirely acquainted with, but they help you through things. I only have a few people now. And it’s hard like that. And a lot of people make me feel… odd and incomplete. (I’m not sure how to explain that.)

That’s what I’m trying to do. But I’m a terrible excuse for an ‘organized person’. Even when I hunt… maybe you wouldn’t want to know. But a lot of things about me are a mess. I just try my best to cover it up. It hurts more and more every time I try to do it though… covering up myself.

 collegeboy83 replied to your post:  collegeboy83 replied to…

But I’d rather help you deal with yours then deal with my own. *smiles* Maybe you should start working on easier things. Ignoring them may be easy to do, but it just makes it worse when you can’t ignore them anymore.

Well… maybe you should take your own advice and not ignore your feelings. Just deal with them little by little. 

But if I do all the easy, done-in-one-shot things that I have to do, all the hard ones will pile up on me in the end and I’ll just end up regretting it and feeling bad and vulnerable again because I wouldn’t be able to do it. Because I can’t do that. But yeah… I guess you’re right. Ignoring things is a bad thing to do. It is a bad habit of mine though…

 collegeboy83 replied to your post:  collegeboy83 replied to…

Don’t be sorry. I said I was here for you, and I am. I know what you mean, we were raised nearly the same way. You just gotta learn what you can deal with and what you can’t. It’s easier if you don’t just ignore them, though. They just get worse.

Well… yeah. But I just don’t want to bore you with my ‘feelings’. *shrugs*

I have categorized life like that. Sometimes it just ends up being a big mess of me trying to do something that’s way too hard for me and I just tear it to shreds. It goes terribly wrong and then I leave it like that for someone else to clean up. I don’t want it to be like that.

But the thing is… ignoring them is so easy to do most of the time. Or… it’s the thing I want to do more.